Jared thinks all y’all need a talking-to about outsourcing. Lawyers, as high-achievers, think they can do everything on their own, but they’re probably just wasting time and money. Jared explains the profitability of outsourcing work outside your area of expertise so you can focus on what really matters.
Next, ever had an idea for great content for your legal website/blog/video/social media account, but just don’t have time to flesh it out? Jared chats with writer Michael Keefe-Feldman about how ghostwriters help businesses put their thoughts into words to create great online content.
And, lastly, Jared and Mike are joined by their wives, Jessica and Kathleen for the Rump Roast! Jared’s newly developed quiz, “The Town,” seeks the perspectives of all four players on how the quintessential townie should act in a variety of scenarios.
Michael Keefe-Feldman is the founding CEO of Chalkbridge Ghostwriting & Content.
Kathleen Feldman is an accountant with NFS Leasing and a city councilor in Beverly, Massachusetts.
Jessica Correia works at a law firm, puts up with Jared, and has two podcasts: Escape: A Travel Podcast and Fab 5.
For our latest Rump Roast, we got in touch with our surroundings—well, MY surroundings specifically—but maybe it’s worth exploring the world beyond Beverly, Massachusetts. So here’s a playlist about places – the more local, the better!
Our opening track is Two Cigarettes by Major Label Interest.
The music for the Legal Trends Report Minute is I See You by Sounds Like Sander.
Our closing track is Ent Her Stel Luh by Cast of Characters.
Special thanks to our sponsors TimeSolv, Clio, Scorpion, and Alert Communications.
Intro: It’s the Legal Toolkit with Jared Correia with guess Mike Feldman a round of the town, and then Jared is going to teach me the game Old Maid. Not sure why he’s insisting on playing a strip version of it though, but first your host, Jared Correia.
Jared Correia: It’s the Legal Toolkit podcast and you know what that means. Oh, you don’t. It’s kind of awkward, neither do I. Sorry. It looks as though I’ve overhyped that, and for some reason, we still call this the Legal Toolkit podcast, even though I once passed out, trying to cut down a sapling true story. I’m your host Jared Correia. Larry Sanders was unavailable, because Larry Sanders is a fictional character. I’m the CEO of Red Cave Law Firm Consulting, a business management consulting service for attorneys and bar associations. Find us online at redcavlegal.com. I’m the COO of Gideon Software, Inc. We build chatbots, so law firms can convert more leads in conversational document assembly tools, so law firms can build documents faster and more accurately. You can find out more about Gideon at gideonlegal.com.
Now, before we get our interview today with Mike Feldman, Principal of Chalkbridge Ghostwriting & Content about, wait for it, content production. You could have guessed that I suppose. I’ve also got something I need to get off my chest. Let’s have Frank talk about outsourcing. Lawyers like to do everything on their own. Are they stubborn assholes? Sure. But there’s something else going on here too. Lawyers tend to be perfectionist. They’re also really good at things. Like doctors and professional athletes, most attorneys have been high achievers their whole lives. They don’t know how not to be, kicking ass, taking names on the regular. So if such a person as that is presented with a problem to solve for a task to do, who do you think the first choice is to tackle it, themselves, of course.
Allow myself to introduce myself. The average attorney is an above average individual and thinks I could do that better than anyone else. That can be making coffee or designing a freaking rocket ship. That can truly be, literally anything. Throw in a touch of OCD and it becomes even harder to delegate. I know it because towels in my house can only be folded in a particular way and I’m the only one who can do it right. Yes, I’m really annoying to live with too, and once upon a time, I was a practicing attorney also. I mean in some ways this is admirable, high achievers high-achieving, but in a business construct, it can be pretty devastating to your bottomline. It leads to attorneys building their own uniquely horrible websites. Trust me. I’ve seen a number of them. At least a lawyer spending time obsessing over the placement of a picture frame in the conference room. It means barristers are trying to figure out how to login as admin to a software program. Lawyers who try to do everything on their own, really just end up wasting a whole hell of a lot of time. It’s even worse than that, because it absolutely kills law firm revenue dead.
You see there’s a simple math problem involved here, in that lawyers tend to build more than the vendors our staff they outsource projects to. So serious question, why is your ass out there and making coffee instead of billing $450 an hour. When you have someone who can make that coffee that you pay $20 an hour to. Now I’m not a math major, but it sounds like you’re losing $430 an hour doing that shit. Even website designers and it professionals bill less than you do. In fact, chances are unless you’re hiring another lawyer, outsourcing is going to be a profitable endeavor. So while your website designer is out there building your website, and while your IT person is out there in managing your devices, and while your admin is out there brewing coffee, plunk yourself down in front of the computer and start cranking out that legal work.
For every hour you’re not working on a business related task that you don’t have expertise in, you’re making margin doing the same kind of work that you do have expertise in. This is part of the notion of pricing at the top of your law license, which I’ve talked about before, meaning that smart lawyers are consumed by doing two things, one, high-level stuff and work that they get paid the most for; two, marketing for more of that same kind of work. Everything else is noise and noise can be pushed out, and by outsourcing as it turns out.
To manage this effectively, most lawyers need to undergo mindset change. They need to be willing to step away a bit and let other professionals manage their own jobs without trying to micromanage them, because there’s a wide gulf between overseeing and micromanagement. But I think you can figure out. After all you’re a smart lawyer, you can do anything right. It’s been said that perfection is the enemy of the good, but it turns out that perfection is the enemy of the should, like you should be outsourcing more shit like yesterday. It’s just simple math people. But now let’s hear from Joshua Lenon. That’s correct. It’s time for the Clio legal trends report minute.
Joshua Lenon: What traits our clients are looking for most in the lawyer? According to 86% of surveyed clients, it’s being responsive to questions. I’m Joshua Lenon, lawyer and resident to Clio, and this was just one finding from our recent legal trends report. Research shows that the quicker a lawyer is in providing information to clients, the more positive the client experience will be. It’s no surprise firms with growing revenue are 41% more likely to use client portals to quickly communicate with clients. These secure portals ensure clients always know the status of their case, resulting in a more transparent and client-centered experience. To learn more about what today’s clients expect from their lawyers and how firms can meet those expectations, download Clio’s legal trends report for free at clio.com/trends. That’s Clio spelled C-L-I-O do com forward slash trends.
Jared Correia: So find out why the people of the North Shore in Massachusetts are so obsessed with roast beef sandwiches. Honestly, it’s kind of weird. I’m not from here. All right, it’s time to review our guest. My guest today, my neighbor, Mike Feldman. He’s the Principal of Chalkbridge Ghostwriting & Content. Mike, thanks for coming on today.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Thanks for having me.
Jared Correia: So as will become apparent everyone shortly in the audience, Mike and I live in the same town. Mike coaches my son’s basketball team. I’m going to ask you some questions about ghostwriting. But I have disclaimer that I want people to know about first. I want to note that, yes, I understand that there are some grumblings out there that ghostwriting for law firms is unethical. As you might have guessed, I think that’s really stupid, and it’s fundamentally an oversight question, like so much of legal ethics is, plus lawyers do this all the time. Mike’s not an attorney. I’m not going to ask him questions about ethics, mostly because it’s asinine.
All right, I’m glad we had this talk. Mike, what’s the difference between ghostwriting and copywriting? Is there even one? I don’t know if I understand among the many things I don’t understand.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. I mean, I think when people talk about ghostwriting specifically, they’re talking about inhabiting another author’s voice, whereas copywriting that may or may not be the case. So, but I’m glad you mentioned the thing about the ethics of it and I’m certainly not speaking about ghostwriting in the legal sense, because that’s not something that I’ve done, but there are a bunch of misconceptions about ghostwriting. First and foremost, it’s largely thought of in the context of LA and New York City, where it would be referencing books and screenplays. So generally speaking, that’s not what I do. It’s also tend to be thought of as a sort of a lonely hermit thing, like you go into a cave and you come out days later, and you’ve just produce this piece of writing, someone else puts their name on it, and that’s that.
Jared Correia: I thought that’s how it worked.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Right. So usually, it’s much more collaborative than that. I like to think of ghostwriting as the end result is something that the state is author would have produced did they have the time to do it. So this is really just about saving time. Generally speaking, I’m dealing with an author who will give me some bullet points, and like, hey, these are the points I want to cover. I might have covered them 20 times before, but I need a new voice or a new fresh way to do that. Can you help me? So it’s a more collaborative process. It’s not like writing somebody’s term paper for them, and then they put their name on it. It’s not really like that at all.
Jared Correia: That’s better.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Right. That is that. There is such a thing as unethical ghostwriting. So it really comes down to how you do it. The other misconception I think is that it’s something that’s used by bad writers, and I’d be willing to bet you that, because a lot of lawyers are very good writers that very few are in any way interested in ghostwriting. However, what I tend to find is that the people I work with can write just fine. It’s just that their time might be better spent doing something else rather than flashing out those bullet points. So that’s how I approach it. So I have no ethical qualms with how I approach it, but certainly it is a fine line and you have to be mindful of that.
Jared Correia: So like that’s ghostwriting I get that. So would you view copywriting as something different? Is that like putting together like blog posts or like whitepapers for a business that don’t necessarily have an author outside of like the corporate author?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. So I think those terms sometimes get used interchangeably, but certainly writing on behalf of an organization, I mean to me it’s kind of like a potato-potato, like is it ghostwriting, is it copywriting? I don’t know. I’m writing for your organization and trying to capture your organizational voice.
Jared Correia: Fair.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah.
Jared Correia: Well, let me ask you this, because I thought that was an interesting point that you brought up. Lawyers are good writers. Yes, to a point, but lawyers are also good writers when it comes to writing about legal stuff. So they love like Supreme Court cases from the 1870s and they love using Latin phrases, and I imagine this comes up and ghostwriting in other areas as well. Is part of what you do helping a business person who has a specific expertise communicate in a way that let people understand? Like do you act as a translator almost from time to time?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Sometimes, sometimes that’s really important. In fact, sometimes that’s why somebody will reach out to somebody like me, because they do want to be able to talk shop, so to speak, but then have that come across in a way that will make sense to some person who doesn’t have that vernacular, doesn’t have that language. So you’re absolutely right. Sometimes it does come down to almost like a translation thing.
Jared Correia: The other thing I think people probably worry about in addition to like getting the right terms across and not using too many terms, it’s like being authentic. Do people have that concern like even if they don’t want to write it they want help with it and they hand it over to somebody else? So they’re worried about like it not being authentic, like it’s not coming from them like their business voice and how do you overcome something like that?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: I think it’s important to understand that any sort of quality ghostwriting happens after a lengthy discussion in which I’m getting to know the business and/or the person involved. So by the time we’re done, and I say this upfront with everybody I work with. What all we’re going to do is what you yourself would have done if you had the time. I’m saving you time. I’m not — hopefully, I can turn a phrase in a way that’s appealing and whatnot, but I’m not here to create something that you would have never thought to create. So in that sense, I try and set people’s mind at ease that this is still their work product. I think once people go through the process, they see that, but until you go through the process, it’s hard to kind of wrap your head around that concept.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. So let’s extend on that a little bit, because I’ll tell you, I get a bunch of law firms that ask me about copywriting services and ghostwriting services, and almost invariably, they don’t know somebody to go to. They don’t have contact. So how should attorneys or business people go about trying to find a copywriting service or a ghostwriting service, like what should they be looking for in terms of criteria and service provision?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: I’m going to answer this question in two different ways, okay. So if a firm is looking for somebody to write about the law, then they need to seek out somebody with legal expertise. If they are looking for somebody to what we were talking about earlier, translate some of these legal concepts or just some of the talking points that they’ve been hitting on, but they want to keep hitting on in a way that’s new and fresh, then that’s where somebody like myself comes in with a fresh pair of eyes and a general audience’s perspective. They just reach out and we talk.
Jared Correia: I think that’s what’s missing from a lot of business owners, not just law firms. Like people who were in the weeds every day in their own business, they speak the same language, they talk the same way as their colleagues, and this notion that you have is like a fresh pair of eyes, like that’s really helpful just to get somebody to look at this and say, hey, a layperson has no clue what this word or term means. Just doing that I think must be tremendously helpful for people.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. I mean, I recommend that whether it’s law or any sort of field getting a second pair of eyes on your content is always a good idea from the layperson’s point of view, which is where I would come in, it would just be about like let’s check on your blind spots, and because you don’t know what you don’t see. I know you’re a TV guy, so I have to ask you. Did you ever watch Schitt’s Creek?
Jared Correia: No. Is it good? Should I watch it?
Mc: You should watch it. You would love Schitt’s Creek, and the reason I bring it up in this context is — and I’m going to give you one spoiler, but I think this spoiler is going to get you hooked on watching the whole series.
Jared Correia: All right, hit me.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So there’s a billboard, and it’s sort of a tourist, welcome to the town billboard, and it’s showing like the founder of the town and a woman, and he is bent over this woman in shall we say a very suggestive manner that you would not necessarily want to plaster across a billboard advertising your town. So somebody, an outsider comes into the town and calls this to their attention, and the mayor of a town says, oh, but you don’t know the history. That’s his sister. It’s not a big deal. I was like, okay. So he said, but we’ll fix the billboard. So then at the end of the episode they drive by, exact same picture, but at the top it says, don’t worry, that’s his sister.
Jared Correia: All right, I’m sold. I’ll watch it.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So this is my representation of second pair of eyes not seeing your blind spot. That’s my Schitt’s Creek blind spot moment for you Jared.
Jared Correia: I love how you brought it. Oh man, one of these days I am going to do a monologue on Schitt’s Creek, you watch. All right, so let me ask you some logistical questions, like I get the whole process behind it. It’s understandable to me. I know why attorneys and other business owners need it. What kind of content should people be looking for, because I think this is something as well, like, people want to produce content, but there’s so many different ways to do it now, right. You could do blogs, you can do e-books, you do whitepapers, like what kind of requests are you getting for written content and what do you see in people gravitating to now?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So far this year what I’ve been working on is social media, some proofing and development, on RFPs, press releases, blogs and columns, presentations and talking points, some website content, maybe some whitepaper editing, e-newsletters, and testimonials. I think that’s pretty comprehensive of what I’ve worked on so far just in like the first couple months of 2022.
Jared Correia: Yeah, it’s pretty broad. Actually, that’s a lot more than I would have anticipated.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. So, I mean, my company’s called Chalkbridge Ghostwriting & Content, and the & Content part is probably the majority of what I do, but ghostwriting I throw in there because it’s a nice niche, which some people are looking for and is not an oversaturated market. So that’s part of why I have this sort of dual nature of my business. But, yeah, in terms of like what people should be looking for, like I don’t have a playbook. I don’t come into a client meeting and say, like, okay, let’s run option c, which involves X, Y and Z. I sit down to probably much like you do and I talk to them and I listen to them and I and say, okay, what are we trying to do, who are trying to reach, and then we start thinking about what are the different platforms. I’m always trying to repurpose things in as many directions as makes sense as humanly possible. So when it’s working well, I’m not doing just one thing for somebody. I’m building a piece of content that then gets spliced out in several different directions.
Jared Correia: That’s really interesting. So like I wouldn’t have pegged that but like so you’re drafting like social media posts, which could be really short form content. It’s like a tweet or something like that, right?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Correct, yeah.
Jared Correia: That’s interesting. I guess that would help — I don’t know if you view it this way, but if I was the company owner, I’d be interested in that because the more content I had my company writing for me, the more similar the voice is and that’s better for messaging, right. Is that part of the sales pitch also like the more I write for you, the more it sounds alike?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Absolutely, and that’s a huge part of it is, okay, you need a blog, you need a column for your website, but if I do that, why don’t I also create some social posts for you, and oh, by the way, like what if we did a video with that same theme. So I focus on the words because that’s the anchor of your messaging, but I’m really all about branching out from there in as many directions as makes sense, and not just written directions either. It could be graphics. It could be photo. It could be video. I haven’t done podcast yet. I have to leave that to the experts like you.
Jared Correia: Oh wait, like me. I’m just a puppet. So in terms of like the social media and the content marketing thing, I think that’s really interesting intersection as far as I’m concerned. So you get the content prep for people and then you worried that like they’re going to screw the process up like post it at the wrong time, post it in the wrong platform. Do you try to work with social media people or do you sometimes post thing for people? How involved you get in that and what’s the line between like content production and social media management to your mind?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah. So the short answer to your question is both. For a subscription client, because I know when you operate on subscription basis and —
Jared Correia: Yeah, still a way to go man.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Right, yeah. In fact, I think when I was first starting this, that was one of the most helpful things. I remember we met probably a couple years ago when I was founding this, and you were like, you should really think about subscriptions, and that has been a real — that was really helpful piece of insight. So I want to thank you for that.
Jared Correia: Oh, you’re welcome.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So yes, the answer is both. It’s for a subscription client where I’m sort of like really in the full, 360-degree content strategy world with them, I’ll post it myself. If I’m just sort of being hired to come in and help them create an article for the website or something like that, then I might just, once I’m done, I’m done, and I might suggest a post, but they can take it or leave it, and if they have a social media team, then more power to them. So I really kind of just work with them wherever they’re at and I can go either way on that.
Jared Correia: That makes sense. Well, I got to tell you like I didn’t know you were doing as much as you’re doing, and frankly, I didn’t know the copywriting involved so much, and there’s like there’s like a little bit of a PR role here as well, right, because you’re doing press releases and stuff from time to time as well.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Right, yeah. So again, for a subscription client, I do also do media relations, and that’s the type of thing where, not to keep harping on the subscription thing, but it really has to be that way, because media relation is kind of like baseball, if you strike out seven times out of ten, you’re doing fantastic, because you got those three hits. So as a relatively lean sort of boutique style agency, I don’t have a lot of time to waste on calling up reporters and hearing no. So it’s not something that I really get enlisted for on a one-off basis, but again, if I’m in sort of this 360degree content world with a client, then it is part of my bag of tricks. As a former reporter, I tend to be pretty good at discerning who’s open to what and how to get stuff published.
Jared Correia: Awesome. Mike, I learned a lot, honestly. No, there’s more options accessible here night than I thought there were. The subscription model is interesting. There’s also the ad hoc model. So seriously, thanks for coming on today. I appreciate it.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: I’m psyched to be here Jared.
Jared Correia: We’ll take one final sponsor breaks, so you can hear more about what our sponsors can do for your law practice. Then stay tuned for the rump roast. It’s even more subtle than the roast beast.
Welcome back everyone. We are here in the rear-end of the Legal Toolkit. It’s the rump roast. That’s right. It’s a grab bag of short-form topics all of my choosing. Why do I get to pick? Because I’m the host. Mike, I see you’re still here. Welcome back
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Still good to be here Jared.
Jared Correia: Great. I’d like to introduce — well, you might rethink that moment, but I’d like to introduce two additional guests. I figured since we’re doing the Beverly reunions here. Mike and I live in the same town, Beverly, Massachusetts. We’d invite on our wives. So we have Mike’s wife, Kathleen, and my wife, Jessica. Would you guys like to introduce each other? Kathleen, we can start with you.
Kathleen Feldman: Introduce each other?
Jessica Correia: Introduce each other?
Jared Correia: Well, that was — don’t introduce each other. Introduce yourselves individually, starting with Kathleen. Go ahead Kathleen.
Kathleen Feldman: My name is Kathleen Feldman. I work in finance and I’m a City Counselor here in the great city of Beverly.
Jared Correia: Very nice. Love it. All right, Jessica, your turn.
Jessica Correia: I’m Jared’s wife, Jessica.
Jared Correia: You can stop now. Now, go ahead.
Jessica Correia: Actually, Jared is my husband. He’s Jessica’s husband, and I also live in Beverly. I Work at a law firm and I have two podcasts. I have Escape: A Travel podcast and Fab 5, which is also a travel podcast, because I’m also a travel agent.
Jared Correia: Now the point that I want to establish is that everybody lives in the same town. I think this is really appropriate for this rump roast segment.
Jessica Correia: Oh boy.
Jared Correia: We’re going to play a brand new quiz game called The Town. Mike you lived in Beverly, Massachusetts your whole life. Jessica you’ve lived in the North Shore, Massachusetts your whole life. Kathleen, you’re from Buffalo originally, right. You moved here.
Kathleen Feldman: Correct.
Jared Correia: Yes. I am from out of town as well, as I moved here. So we’ve got a lot of perspectives in play. So I’m going to ask some questions about what it’s like to live in a town and I want the townie perspective from Mike and Jessica. Now, don’t get nervous. I’m not going to ask you any specific questions about the town we live in. I promise. This is a townie’s guide to life, okay. Question number one. As a townie, what are you most likely to wear while pacing around the yard talking to yourself? Anyone? Am I the only one who does this? This is unfortunate?
Kathleen Feldman: Flip-flops, I mean, I’m guessing it’s going to be slides or flip-flops, basketball shorts. I’ve seen this before, and like a bathrobe. I mean if it’s — the image I’m coming up with. I can’t do that, but I am guessing it’s basketball shorts, some type of pajama type game and flip-flops, because I’ve seen that drop off by the dad at like Caterpillar Clubhouse a lot. So that’s my take.
Jared Correia: Jessica is laughing because that’s what I wear every day.
Jessica Correia: I think a bathrobe with boxers is key. I think, like, girls, we’re wearing black yoga pants and flip-flops, maybe a sweatshirt, I don’t know, that’s what we’d be wearing.
Jared Correia: Mike, how about you? What are you rocking when you’re in the yard, talking to yourself?
Michael Keefe-Feldman: For my yard pacing attire, so, I usually go into my yard pacing closet and pull out some sweatpants or running pants that are way too big, stained with paint of various colors from assorted projects over many years, and a t-shirt with holes and mysterious stains in the general armpit regions, which is reserved for yard pacing, because that will just up the crazy factor.
Kathleen Feldman: Crazy factor.
Jared Correia: Yes, the crazy factor s way up. I like that. I like that. I do prefer like the slides and the shorts like that Florida guy video when the guys is running like, his Adidas slides and he traps in an alligator in the trash barrel, like that’s me, except my crashing —
Kathleen Feldman: Oh, I haven’t seen that.
Jared Correia: That’s good. You got to watch that.
Jessica Correia: Well, let’s be honest. You don’t usually put like significant clothes on to go outside to take the trash out.
Jared Correia: All right, if we are being honest. I’ve definitely gone outside just boxer shorts before. So be thankful that —
Kathleen Feldman: I’ve gone out in just my pajamas, which is kind of like a girl equivalent, because I’ve taken the trash or the compost out like first thing or —
Jessica Correia: Yeah, tank top and shorts, sure.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So Jared, this question hits a little close to home for me, because growing up as a kid, my father used to mow the lawn on a busy street in Beverly in nothing but a speedo.
Kathleen Feldman: He loved to get his tan.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: So that’s the start that I come from.
Jessica Correia: Jared would totally do that by the way.
Jared Correia: Yeah, that’d be great. All right, I would have also accepted thong, okay. I got two questions left, we’re going to cut some of this obviously, but let’s just get through it and then we can pick the best parts. I’m sure he’s listening intently, because he’s a pervert. Okay, question two. If someone wanders into the local area, wearing a sweatshirt emblazoned with the logo of a neighboring high school sports team, the appropriate response is to do what?
Jessica Correia: Kick them in the balls.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: I like how fast that is. She didn’t hesitate.
Jared Correia: Yes. Have you done that before? Anyone else have any thoughts on this.
Jessica Correia: Am I wrong?
Jared Correia: No, I don’t — no one’s is correcting you. I think you’re right.
Kathleen Feldman: I don’t have a good response. That seems like it’s —
Jared Correia: What could be better than that?
Jessica Correia: In Buffalo, do you like shake hands with your opponents or —
Kathleen Feldman: No, I think the problem is I was from like a —
Jared Correia: Yeah, don’t go into the end zone, right, that’s what they do in Buffalo.
Kathleen Feldman: That is what we do in Buffalo. Bill’s mafia is way more about shenanigans than actual violence, but I think that because it’s from — I was from like a city, city, and so there wasn’t like — there were different schools in the city, but there wasn’t another neighboring towns. It was just all Buffalo.
Jared Correia: Yeah. You need like a regional — you need like a city rival to make that really a thing. I also would have expected siphoning gas from their car, saying mean things about them in a loud voice and pretending you don’t see them, and pepper spray, but all good answers. Yours was the best Jessica.
Jessica Correia: It was balls number one.
Jared Correia: Balls is now number one, yes, although I had Rochambeau on the last question. All right, last question. Which animal would you be most likely to buy and keep in your yard to piss off your asshole neighbor? I thought a lot about this, but I’ll let everyone else answer first.
Kathleen Feldman: Chickens, chickens, absolutely, and we’re going to call him support animals. Chickens that are called emotional support animals. That would infuriate said neighbor. Llamas, something really hippy.
Jessica Correia: Alpaca.
Kathleen Feldman: Something super hippy, alpaca, and they’re emotional support alpacas, and I am going to need them because I have a doctor’s note. That’s going to — that would kill him, right there.
Jared Correia: If you want to make this super Beverly, it has to be chickens and alpacas.
Kathleen Feldman: Yes, agreed. That’s the only thing that’s really going to raise people’s spirits.
Jessica Correia: Or roosters. Rosters would be really good.
Kathleen Feldman: They’re illegal in Beverly. Roosters are illegal.
Jessica Correia: Why do you know all the rules?
Kathleen Feldman: Elected official thing.
Jared Correia: It’s something really loud, it’s something that shits a lot, yeah. Those are great answers, by the way.
Jessica Correia: Chickens and alpacas. I know what yours us, but why don’t you tell us what yours is.
Jared Correia: Well, no, there’s a lady in our neighborhood who walks a chicken around on a leash. That’s got to be an emotional support chicken.
Kathleen Feldman: It has to be. I think that she supports the chicken emotionally.
Jared Correia: Maybe, emotional support human.
Jessica Correia: Well, we also have people who carry their dogs down the street, like they go for a stroll with their dogs in their arms too.
Kathleen Feldman: Not a Bjorn, not like a carrier.
Jessica Correia: But they’re the good neighbors though. I like chicken lady and dog carrying lady.
Jared Correia: Chicken lady and dog lady are great. They’re some of my favorite neighbors. Mike, you got an animal for us, an emotional support beast of some kind.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Well. I’m thinking just a giant flock of birds, but not just like a few. Like I’m talking Alfred Hitchcock level birds, like a significant flock, so that when they move, your neighbor is just absolutely terrified. That would be might go-to.
Kathleen Feldman: He also love birds.
Jared Correia: I’d almost consider like flightless birds that would be trying to fly in a group.
Kathleen Feldman: Penguins.
Jared Correia: Oh penguins would be good.
Jessica Correia: Oh, penguins would be great.
Kathleen Feldman: And we have the pool, but everyone would like them, if you’re trying to piss someone off, penguins off —
Jared Correia: That’s true, penguins are also cute.
Michael Keefe-Feldman: Yeah, nobody is going to get annoyed with penguins, but I support penguins.
Jared Correia: Yeah, they’re delightful. Kathleen, you have a lot of information on city ordinances, so I want to ask you. I was seriously looking into buying a zebra online at the start of the pandemic. I was going to be able to score one for about 1500 bucks, and I just wanted it to live in the yard. Would have been legal in the city?
Kathleen Feldman: Probably not. I’m going to go with not, because I think it would be an exotic — you have to license your pets or at least dogs, anything that’s like — or livestock, and I would believe that would require an exotic pets license.
Jared Correia: But wait, what if it’s an emotional support zebra?
Kathleen Feldman: I mean, from what I’ve heard, you don’t even really need — it’s really easy to just get a doctor’s note that says, that’s it.
Jared Correia: All right, I’m working on it.
Kathleen Feldman: I just would request, you don’t put me in that position.
Jared Correia: Okay. No zebras, just for you.
Kathleen Feldman: Yeah, just don’t bring it up as like to your City Councilor.
Jared Correia: Thanks everybody. That’s the rump roast. If you want to find out more about Mike Feldman and Chalkbridge Ghostwriting & Content, visit chalkbridge.com. That’s C-H-A-L-K-B-R-I-D-G-E dot com. Now for those of you listening in Danvers, Massachusetts, go fuck yourselves. We’ve got a new Spotify playlist for this episode, songs about places, local places need only apply. Unfortunately, there’s no time left to play Strip Old Maid, so I’m going to pull my pants back up. If you want to subscribe to our OnlyFans page — no, never mind, we don’t have one. That will do it for another episode of Legal Toolkit podcast. This is Jared Correia, reminding you that dolphins sleep with one eye open and so do I.